How and Why We Grieve Differently
Grief is a complex word, which makes it the perfect description of the emotions we face when a loved one dies. Most of us can articulate a definition that closely resembles how a dictionary would define it, which in the case of Merriam-Webster, is “deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement”. Yet, if you closely observe and interact with ten different people who are grieving, you’ll discover ten different types of behaviors, emotions, and attitudes. In this week’s tip, we’ll discuss how and why we all react to grief so differently.
How We Grieve Differently
Grief shows itself in many ways, and in some cases those manifestations are polar opposites that can happen to the same individual over the weeks, months, and years that follow the death – loud, sobbing cries vs silent tears, eating all the time vs eating nothing, being social vs curling up in a ball in a back bedroom, being strong and happy vs depressive and anxious.
Many are uncomfortable with the idea that grief can be so random and inexplicable, so they try to compartmentalize it. We often hear a lot of talk about stages of grief. This concept came from Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s 1969 best-selling book On Death and Dying. Dr. Kubler-Ross conducted many interviews with terminally ill patients and found that there were five common stages in their attitudes and demeaner after being diagnosed –
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Over time, others began to apply these stages to grief. While many of us certainly go through some of these stages, defining grief in this way in my opinion is a disservice to those in mourning. It makes a person feel like there is a right or wrong way to grieve. I appreciate what David Kessler, who co-wrote two books with Dr. Kübler-Ross, shared on his November 2020 Red Table Talk: The Estefans interview about the stages of grief.
They’re not a map for grief. There’s no one way to do grief. They’re not linear. Your grief is as unique as your fingerprint. The stages follow us. We don’t follow them. In an hour you can do them all and circle around.
Why We Grieve Differently
We grieve differently for the same reason we don’t all share the same opinions, attitudes, and morals. Our life experiences and upbringings are diverse. Our cultures, family dynamics, economic situations, education, and religious beliefs impact our personalities, habits, work ethic, relationships, and so much more. All these influences make it impossible to predict how we might grieve.
Another important factor is our relationship to the deceased and the nature of his/her death. A teenager’s grief of a distant aunt whom the teenager only met once five years ago at a family reunion will most certainly be different than the stay-at-home mom’s grief of a husband who served as the family’s breadwinner for their three children under the age of ten. The cause of death will also play a factor. Consider how your grief might be different if your 21-year-old daughter lost her life to a terminal illness vs suicide vs car accident vs mass shooting.
While we believe strongly that grief knows no bounds, we also believe in the power of counseling and therapy. When to seek help is a topic for another tip, but certainly if grief is causing physical or emotional harm to yourself or others, seeking help should be a priority.
We hope that today’s tips offer some perspective on how you and/or your family might grieve the next time there is a death in your family. No matter how you dice it up, grief is difficult to describe and predict. It’s hard. Period. There is no right or wrong way, so as you work on preparing for those moments in your life, be ready to cut yourself and those around you some slack. There should be no expectation of you or anyone else about how you will mourn your loss.
